The Head And The Heart

I just noticed that I've lost it. I've lost the magic. It's been stifled. Or killed. Or gone on holiday or something. It's just gone. And the fact that I am just noticing it does not make for the fact that because I am noticing it it is still there but rather it reminds me how long it's been gone for.

It's that thing. That thing that happens when I watch movies or television shows. I can remember the last time it happened, and if that's the case, it's even worse that the last time it happened was two months ago now. Two months. Two months ago for the magic inside. The magic that always said, "i could have played that part". Or "if i had just stuck with it a little longer, i would have broken through too".

It is a sad thing when you realize that part of you is practically dead. Perhaps it's dead because I won't allow it to live and breathe. I killed it. On purpose. Because I know things can't be that way. Not right now, and let's be honest, probably not ever. I can't go back to that life. Stringing together paychecks, working seven days a week with different jobs to make it work. It's not a life. But if that's not, what is this I'm living currently. This thing. Called. Work. And just work. Not work to help your dreams come to fruition. Work that you count down days until your next vacation or day off. This thing that people, the common person does every single day. But me. I'm anything but common, so how do I squeeze myself into this mould daily? Duh. Acting. Obviously.

I miss it. I don't let dreams die easily, but I guess dreams can't speak up for themselves when they don't die but are rather killed off. 

"i could have played that part."

"that could be me."

"i just need the right agent."

"i know i have it, i can just feel it. it will work out for me."

"i've already been in like 4 movies, i am no longer aspiring, i'm doing it!"

"i didn't burn all those bridges behind me to not create new ones in front."

"i could have played that part."

Just a girl, playing a new part, a role so to speak, so much so, she can hardly remember her last one, Josslyn DeCrosta, Actress.

Sox Noise

It has been way too long. I am good. I hope you are the same. This summer flies by as we are more than half way through speeding toward fall and winter and so on. It moves. However swiftly. Day by day by day. I don't often complain about the heat, except when I am in my car. There is something about being in my car, with a failing air conditioner, dog hair invading, that I just can't stand myself or the small box that I am holed up in either on my way to work or home, or the groc, or wherever.

So I've come to love thunderstorms. Me. The little girl that would run to the basement as I was growing up with even a thunderstorm warning moving across the screen on WTNH. But now, now I look quite forward to them happening. Being home, sitting in my amazing apartment. Dark clouds moving in slowing with the low rumbles miles and miles away, I quite enjoy it. The rain starts, slowly at first and then the patter on the air conditioner gets louder and louder. I relish in this sound.

Well, I wanted to check in. Let you know I was still around, and thank you for checking every now and again.

Did I tell you I miss you? Well, yes, I truly do. I think about you often and wonder at times what you are up to. I hope you are enjoying your summer, the way I have come to love mine. And the storms, I hope those storms are rolling in and you are laying down on your hardwood floor, music turned low, counting after each flash of lightening to see how far away the storm is. I hope this for you.

Just a girl, almost forgetting her tagline because it's been so long, quietly and randomly doing this one more time.