Counting Crows

Laying on the cold hard wood floor of that apartment. Feeling the music through my back, down my legs, out to my toes and hands. Tears slowly running down my hot cheeks. Hand through my hair wondering how I got to that awful place.

I breathed in. And out. And in again nice and slowly, just like I was taught. But I couldn't de-stress, couldn't calm down. Of course it had been much worse before, but even at this moment I couldn't quiet what was going on inside. Have you ever felt so alone? These are the moments that in turn would help me to find my way later on down the road. That would give me the strength to just be, not caring what the others thought. Not even the ones I cared about at times.

Nights like those all I could do was breathe in the loneliness. And truly learn how to be alone. Fending for myself. Saturday nights would consist of me getting off my shift and heading to the local Gelson's and walking up and down the aisles. Trying to kill some time before I once again had to go home. The frozen food section by far was my favorite aisle. 

From there I would head home with all the fix-ins for a dinner and a bottle of wine. People in life told me that I couldn't go from relationship to relationship, or depend on others all the time. That at some point I just needed to learn how to make it on my own. Learn to be me. Find the very essence that made Josslyn, Josslyn. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet. Cooking dinner, pouring a glass, and putting that music on taught me just that. No roommates around to pull my attention. No one at all around. This in the end would make me a much better person. One that knew what she wanted. And stop at nothing to get it, even when eventually she wouldn't get it, or things wouldn't go her way. So many life lesson learned at 26. And 25. And hell even 27 for that matter. 

I guess this seems sad and all...but it doesn't mean to be. I mean yes, looking back on many of those times, it does make me sad, but it also brings me to a place to be able to say, embrace your loneliness. Learn from it. Go out to a restaurant and have a meal alone, because I can guarantee you the next time you have that same meal sitting across from someone that truly gets you, it will make all the difference in the world. You will hear yourself say things that will make you thankful that you could finally share them with someone else.

And you will love harder. 

Just a girl, with a love of the frozen food section, an aisle that got her through some of the saddest of times.

Ears Ringing

I should write. I should write. I should write. I should write. And this April slowly, no quickly comes to a close and I think I should write I must write I need to write. How do I ever make time to write. From nothing to do onto something every minute for the people around me. The car rides. The Starbucks requests. On again off again and once again back in again. Through it all I can't fall, knowing that this is what I requested from everyday since last fall. The many ways the words work and I just keep thinking I should write. I need to write. To enrich me, to awake my soul with a deeper theme of it all. But I am tired and the rambles keep flowing as I lay my head to the pillow each night wondering how and when I got here. To this moment. To this place. 3,000 miles from that other place. What I would give for a day of tours. But now it's all changed. It's all different. I think. It just. Got serious. I do. Don't give up. Keep checking back again. I promise there will be more. Be more of this stuff we call blogging. Out into the blogosphere. Out into the unkown. For the freedom of speech and what it's worth. Well what it's worth to me can't mean as much as a paycheck since I did it more when the latter wasn't around. I wasn't around. I woke up and layed back down. To the sound of the leaves falling. The snow falling. The rain falling. My mind falling. Until the phone call came and brought me to this place. This place that woke me up at 7am day after day after day after day. Welcome to being an adult. Welcome to being part of the population. You grew up over night because you had to. No more breakfast sandwiches. No more snow days. No more mid day naps. No more writing. Although I know I have to write. I want to write. I yearn to write. No time to write. 

Just a girl, with the flow of the thoughts out into the unknown, and this is me now but it always has been, don't you wish you really knew me back then?

Golf

You are waiting patiently. Constantly refreshing your screen. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Finally, finally after 7 days and some odd hours there it is. You wonder where she is. What she's been up to. And why she isn't visiting you more regularly. Will it change? Has she forgotten? And you thought you had been through this once before that she had disappeared and promised she would be back around much more often. But alas, she's gone. Relegated to 1 visit per week of the thoughts that spew from her head onto a blank white page.

You want to know where she's been? Really? Well let me share it all with you.

It's called IMALIVE. It's considered to be "the first online crisis network with 100% of it's volunteers trained and certified in crisis intervention," as the website states. It takes approximately 50 hours of training, and being the now working girl that I am, I have spent many of my nights reading, taking in information to prepare myself for the journey that I will embark on once all training, practice chats, and 10 hours of working with a clinician have been completed. And in turn, I will be off and running, so to speak.

Looking to help others, and to give back, I signed up for this while my unemployment was at it's height and I was wondering what to do next. Between the blog, the 750words.com, and the random trip to Los Angeles, I knew I had more in me. Stumbling upon IMALIVE was one of the best things possible since I know that soon I will be able to help others during their hard times. 

I've seen a lot in my life and I feel eager to use my training and experiences to listen and learn from others. I can't say enough great things about this idea of an online crisis network. It is the first of it's kind, and in a text heavy world, I truly believe that it may be just the thing to help people in need. My training has been rigorous, and opened my eyes to many of the problems and pre-conceived notions of suicidal people. The training has been quite interesting, and intense.

So forgive me if I haven't been around as much dear friend. I haven't forgotten about you one bit. And hopefully I can get back on the ball, so the next time you refresh your screen I am here. With a new story to tell.

Just a girl, a now certified Online Suicide Intervention Specialist, with many more things on her plate than possibly imagined only 1 month ago. So be patient. Stand by me, and I'll stand by you in return. 

April Smith and the Great Picture Show

Originally this started as test of time. Could I stand the test? Could I make this happen? Could I survive the what I now know would be months until I got, ...work. Work. WORK.

The test has been completed in every sense of the word. 34 weeks into unemployment, and I, statistic that I am, have gotten myself, well employed.

So, from here on in, things change. For good, for bad, forever because I get up and work. I come home, fall asleep early. Get up do it again until the weekend. And when the weekend happens, I chant, "I LOVE THIS WEEKEND!" or "So this is what a weekend is like...for all you...working people." But I am that person now. That working person.

They say the average unemployment falls somewhere between 34-42 weeks. I was the lucky one landing on the shorter end of that spectrum. You always hear people say, "I'm unemployed" and some of us think (well I did at least) "well why don't you go out and get a job already!" Who knew it would take so long. So many applications. So many letters saying this position has been filled, or the more regular, just never hearing back from the company you applied for. It's tough. It's hurtful. And you wonder when it will end.

But trust me. I've been down the road, and you've followed it. One filled with The Bachelor, a lot of sleeping, tireless little activities to fill my time, all the while wondering when my time would be up. When it would be my turn to get a job. To go out in the workforce and make something happen. The girl, voted most likely to succeed by her high school class seemingly not succeeding at anything. Anything she tried to do.

And then, one day, just like that, I wake up to a 45 hour work week. Leaving the dog behind. Being too tired for The Bachelor. And tireless activities seem to put me into a coma.  

Hang in there buddy, you too will have your new found, unasked for freedom taken away, soon enough. 

Just a girl, an exhausted girl, knowing now that the 80's rock band Loverboy had it right: everybody really is working for the weekend.