Counting Crows

Laying on the cold hard wood floor of that apartment. Feeling the music through my back, down my legs, out to my toes and hands. Tears slowly running down my hot cheeks. Hand through my hair wondering how I got to that awful place.

I breathed in. And out. And in again nice and slowly, just like I was taught. But I couldn't de-stress, couldn't calm down. Of course it had been much worse before, but even at this moment I couldn't quiet what was going on inside. Have you ever felt so alone? These are the moments that in turn would help me to find my way later on down the road. That would give me the strength to just be, not caring what the others thought. Not even the ones I cared about at times.

Nights like those all I could do was breathe in the loneliness. And truly learn how to be alone. Fending for myself. Saturday nights would consist of me getting off my shift and heading to the local Gelson's and walking up and down the aisles. Trying to kill some time before I once again had to go home. The frozen food section by far was my favorite aisle. 

From there I would head home with all the fix-ins for a dinner and a bottle of wine. People in life told me that I couldn't go from relationship to relationship, or depend on others all the time. That at some point I just needed to learn how to make it on my own. Learn to be me. Find the very essence that made Josslyn, Josslyn. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet. Cooking dinner, pouring a glass, and putting that music on taught me just that. No roommates around to pull my attention. No one at all around. This in the end would make me a much better person. One that knew what she wanted. And stop at nothing to get it, even when eventually she wouldn't get it, or things wouldn't go her way. So many life lesson learned at 26. And 25. And hell even 27 for that matter. 

I guess this seems sad and all...but it doesn't mean to be. I mean yes, looking back on many of those times, it does make me sad, but it also brings me to a place to be able to say, embrace your loneliness. Learn from it. Go out to a restaurant and have a meal alone, because I can guarantee you the next time you have that same meal sitting across from someone that truly gets you, it will make all the difference in the world. You will hear yourself say things that will make you thankful that you could finally share them with someone else.

And you will love harder. 

Just a girl, with a love of the frozen food section, an aisle that got her through some of the saddest of times.